En riktigt bra post från 2017, då jag ännu skrev på engleska, fortfarande (sept 2024) lika aktuell
The toxic family is a regime built on fear of abandonment. A sect where ”love” is never unconditional and everyone, at least subconsciously, knows they will be excluded if they reveal the truth, even to themselves……
It’s not Self Love
Narcissus did not fall in love with himself, he fell in love with his own reflection….. The narcissist long ago found that the best way to survive was to hide his own vulnerability behind this reflection and ever since then EVERYTHING in his life is weighed against the risk of being disclosed. Subconsiously of course.
A Coping Strategy built on Control of the ”enviroment” (people)
The Narcissist is not able to connect with his own pain and fear of abandonment but he becomes an expert in recognizing it in others (projection) He scans for this fear in his ”victims” and builds his ”fan club” of people he feels he can control. The perfect spouse for a covert narcissist is the child of a narcissist who still believes in what he was told or had to create (his own false self…..) Still, even if he can be controlled with a minimum of giving he is a grown up person and might some day be able to brake free, leave or perhaps even expose the narcissist and her behavior…..
The best ”protection” for a narcisstic woman
The best way for a covert female narcissist to create a loyal fan club (secure narcisstic supply) is to have Children.
Children are weird by their primary caregiver, they have no other choice then to ”trust” her. In order to feel safe they protect the idea of the loving mother by making her negative messages a part of themselves. If the father is a nice guy (victim of his own fears) he is likely to stay in the relationship however emotionally dysfunctional it is and if he have narcissistic traits (I sure did…) he becomes the perfect target for projection. The fact that he is almost as controlled by the mother as his children makes it difficult or next to impossible for him to fully see them and create his own relationship with them. Mum is always ”watching” making sure everyone stays within his/her given space.
Never Question you Master
The absolute condition for being ”loved” by a malignant narcissist is to NEVER question his/her false ”strong” and omnipotent self. The spouse, more or less consioulsly knows this, the ”close” friends knows it and the children of a narcissistic mother never knew anything else……. especially if the other parent was never able to fully stand up against her and establish his own relationship to them… Unlike several other narcisstic/emotionally immature women I have come across in my life, my ex was extremely stable and in control. During 26 years I only saw her loose control once and that was a couple of years after our divirce, a story I will tell in the future. She was the reliable one and she never missed a chance to remind everyone of this and took every chance to create ”a mutual understanding” with our children about their father’s lack of these qualities. To me she used to say ”if it wasn’t for me our children would hav ended up with huge mental problems”
You are the looser from day one
If you are hurt on the same deep level as a malignant narcissist but still believe in love you lost the day they accepted your offer to to love them and if you become the father of their children you have most likely helped the disease to survive yet another generation. If you manage to fully brake free you have no other option than sharing your story even though this might mean you loose the little contact you might still have with your children. Unless your children have been able to see through their mother´s behaviors your contact is controlled by her and thus ongoing triangulation and abuse by proxy.
I will write more about the dynamics in dysfunctional families and why our attempts to break free from our given roles often causes distress, fear and even hostility among those still stuck.
Again, this is my understanding, my truth. Pick what makes sense to you and leave the rest. You can always return back and read again in the future. If you have any reflections you like to share, something from your own story, a deeper understanding or or totally different opinion you are more than welcome to write a comment. Never forget that we are in this together 🤗
Familjen 
I’m father who raised my son since 3 what I didn’t no my evil narsitic mother was plotting steal my son 10 years latter she has him I havnt talked spoke to him over a year . I feel helpless for she did good job assinating my character turning my little boy against me . Both my mom dad lied in court it really broke me , i always thought they where honest people it was nightmair my signature was forged she had him year cps closed the case with no recamindations still they toke me family court the same people who abused me as a child my father got half the kids molested bye best friend got my son suspended he brought live bullet to school my mother who was violent a great lair I live in fear each day for my boy
GillaGillad av 1 person
When they can no longer control you with their ”love” they don’t hesitate for a second to destroy love between you and your own children just to hurt and humiliate you. Do you have real people in your life that supports you to 100%? If you don´t have there are lots of groups online where you can get help. Thanks for your comment! I certainly need support on my mission to tell the truth….
GillaGilla